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  Last night's TV |
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 | Reported by guardian.co.uk
on Tuesday, 27 October 2009
(on October 27, 2009) |
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I'm opening a restaurant in my living room.
Come and order my spaghetti vongole!I'm trying to work out how many tables I'll be able to get in my front room.
One, maybe two.
No, just one I think.
Still, that's four covers, as I believe they say in the business.
And then perhaps a couple more on the sofa, three at a pinch - would that be acceptable, in front of the television? In fact, that could be the theme: telly dinners, for Champions League nights.
Spaghetti vongole and a nice bottle of pinot grigio in front of the football.
Mmmmm.I've decided I'm going to open a restaurant in my home when the whole newspaper business goes totally tits up.
Not long to plan it then.
It's going to be brilliant - like having mates over for dinner, but then they pay at the end of the evening.
Maybe I'll call it Chez Sam.
Maybe I'll change my name by deed poll to Guevara, who knows? But right now, I'm more worried about the practicalities of the idea.
Luckily I've got Restaurant in Your Home (BBC2) for guidance and inspiration.Mike and Tina Pemberton have been doing it for a few years at their place in Norfolk.
Seafood mainly, three nights a week.
Mike and Tina do that public-performance bickering some couples do.
You know the one? They probably think it's amusing, but actually it's really boring.
I think my girlfriend and I could manage that.
Right, what else?Well, I might need to expand my repertoire a little.
My vongole is a triumph, even if I say so myself.
But it's not fillet of wild halibut baked in a spicy Thai basil, kaffir lime and coconut marinade served with Nanjing black rice (accompanied by Norfolk samphire, with asparagus and bean shoots stir-fried in tamari and sake wine), is it? That's what the Pembertons are giving their guests.
And we might have to expand our front room, too.
They cook for 24.Or maybe not, because the couple they're helping out - Matt and Marie - live in a basement flat in Hackney.
Their lounge isn't any bigger than mine, and they're hoping to open a restaurant in their home.
Trouble is, like me, Matt and Marie are a bit clueless.
They don't know how they're going to fit anyone in.
Matt's planning cucumber sandwiches as a little appetiser - it's making my telly spaghetti look quite classy.
So the Pembertons come over from Norfolk, and now at least they can bitch about other people instead of doing their boring performance bickering about each other.
They hate Matt and Marie, Matt and Marie hate them, and they all hate each other's food.
Conflict - it's important in a show like this.Time for a small confession.
I'm not really thinking of opening a restaurant in my own home.
I don't believe many people are, to be honest.
It's a ridiculous idea for a programme, a desperate attempt to find the new MasterChef, the new hot food formula.
Because food is so hot right now.
So they've taken a little bit of Come Dine With Me, a little bit Kitchen Nightmares, added just a hint of Wife Swap.
And the result is an ugly mongrel that hasn't worked because hardly anyone is making restaurants in their homes.
Or going to them.
They're just not a big thing.
We don't care.Here's another strange new one.
Don't Get Screwed (BBC3).
It's a consumer programme but less dull, a bit younger, more BBC3 than Watchdog.
Good news.
So what happens when your parked car gets boxed in by other vehicles and you can't get out? Are they allowed to give you a ticket? And then a clamp? And what about when they put the decimal point in the wrong place on the price tag of an iPod, you buy it for £17.50 instead of £175, which the person at the till is totally happy to let through.
Are they then allowed to come running down the street and ask for it back, or for the £157.50 balance?And what about when you go to the hairdresser and you give them your coat to look after while you're having your weave or your extensions put in - but while that's happening they accidentally set fire to your coat, burn it to a crisp? Don't you really hate it when that happens?No, you don't.
Because it doesn't happen.
Ever.
None of it does.
In trying to sex up consumer rights, they've made them ridiculous, and of little relevance or interest to most people.
Like making a restaurant in your home.
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