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The phone keeps ringing.
Maybe a future in property awaits meLast month's new flatmate is this month's ex-flatmate, and once again I find myself trying to make a glorified broom cupboard look glorious.
The first step towards finding a new flatmate is the online ad.
I write "Great flat, great flatmates!" in the subject line.
Most ads on the site have something like this in the title - completely meaningless, of course, but if you're the one person who leaves it off, you might as well have written: "Crap flat, arseholes."The description requires some creative thinking.
The fact there's nothing in the room but a bed and three square inches of carpet becomes "space for furniture of your choice".
(I leave out the caveat: "provided your choice is doll's house furniture, or a desk suspended from the ceiling".) The room's tiny concrete pantry becomes a walk-in cupboard "for extra storage".
Extra because, theoretically, you could store things on top of yourself while asleep.I turn to the local area for selling points.
Only the transport links suggest themselves.
Clearly the best thing about where we live is that it's easy to go somewhere else instead.Finally I need a photo of the room, ideally one that doesn't make it look like a grey, stripped kitchen in a former council estate, which is what it is.
I drag a 200W lamp into the room and take a photo consisting almost entirely of the bed.
It looks genuinely inviting.
I post the ad.
This is easy, I think.
I could be an estate agent.
I get even more confident when the phone rings after just five minutes."Hello, my name's Dan, I'm calling about your spare room.
Can I see it?""Sure," I say.
"can you do tomorrow evening at seven?""OK", says Dan, falling for my spiel hook, line and sinker."Great," I say, "See you then."The phone rings again immediately.
I am, I decide, an advertising genius."Hi, it's Dan again," says Dan.
"Could you tell me the address?""Right," I say, rapidly losing faith in my new career choice.
"I've got it here somewhere."Frantically searching the table for notes, it takes me nearly 30 seconds to remember that I know my own address.
By which time, I'm fairly sure, Dan has decided he can live somewhere else.Tom Meltzerguardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2009 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
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