Dear Abby: Time and technology change communication between twins
DEAR ABBY: My twin sister moved to another state years ago. We always kept in close contact through telephone calls. But since the invention of caller ID, call waiting, cellphones, texting, etc., things have changed.
Examples: She'll cut off a conversation to answer another nonemergency call. She frantically texts that she needs to talk right now, then doesn't call and won't answer when I try to call her. She doesn't return calls or texts for days.
When we do talk, she complains nonstop, and if I try to chime in about what's happening in my life, she cuts off the conversation. Also, we have a two-hour time difference, so when she does call, it's either super late or the dinner hour. If I can't talk long, she gets mad and blocks me for days.
I don't want to be the etiquette police, but something is off. Advice? -- JUST ABOUT HAD IT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR HAD IT: Has your twin always been this self-centered and rude, or is it relatively new behavior? Do not blame advances in technology for it. Accept that she may have a low level of tolerance for frustration and little interest in what is going on in your life.
If I were you, the next time she blocks you, do not repeatedly try to reach her. Wait until she calls back. If you haven't already taken this up with her directly, you should, because her phone manners are atrocious.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are elderly. We live in a renovated shack I inherited from my family. The neighborhood is degrading, and I'm trying to decide whether to build a new home out in the country on property I own.
If I do, my family, which needs a better place to live, could live in my current house. But I'm worried about the physical and emotional toll it will take on my husband and me to improve the wooded property. I also worry about issues like potential dementia living nearly 30 miles from town in the country.
No matter how much I weigh the pros and cons, I can't reach a decision whether to build or not. Because of our ages, it's now or never. Can you please help me decide? -- STUMPED ABOUT THE FUTURE
DEAR STUMPED: Allow me to offer a third alternative. You described your husband and yourself as elderly and expressed concern about the physical and emotional toll building a new home far from town could cause. It might make more sense to consider selling your current home and/or the rural property and using the money to buy a place in town in a neighborhood that isn't degrading and is near medical facilities should you and your husband need them. At this point in your lives, the last thing you need is stress and isolation.
Couple works to overcome revelation of man's affair
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 13 years. He has lied about little things and also about emotional relationships he has had with co-workers. It went on for years, as he moved from one job to another.
A few months ago, I found out from the other woman that he'd had a sexual affair with her. He had been in counseling for months prior because of what he said were mental health issues. In reality, it was because of his guilt.
We are now in marriage counseling and individual counseling, as well. I don't know if it will help because he has been a gaslighter for years. Please tell me what you think. -- PATIENT WIFE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR WIFE: Give the counseling a try. But because of your husband's long history of lying to you, things will have to drastically change in your relationship. Until trust can be established, his life must be an open book -- including his phone messages, texts and credit card statements. That he felt enough guilt that he started counseling is a hopeful sign, but there are no guarantees that your marriage can be saved.
DEAR ABBY: This message is for all those well-meaning people who ask women if they plan on having children (or more of them). Just don't! They may not want children or the inevitable discussion about why they have made that choice. They might be "one and done," and that's OK, too. They may be trying without success or had miscarriages. Or they might even be pregnant but not ready to announce it to anyone.
The last time I was asked was the day I found out I was pregnant. I lost the pregnancy a month later. This line of questioning is not meant to be anything more than curious and kind, but at best it can be uncomfortable, and at worst, painful. Thanks for letting me vent. -- CAREFUL IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR CAREFUL: You're welcome. You have stated it well, and I agree with you. Another common question that can be emotionally loaded is, "Do you HAVE children?" For someone who has lost a child, or has one in rehab or in jail, a truthful answer can also be painful.
DEAR ABBY: A co-worker moved into my town about 18 months ago. Because we have the same schedule, he asked me for a ride to and from work one day. Well, now it seems that I drive him about three times a week.
When he works and I'm off, he takes an Uber, which costs around $25 round trip, but he has never even offered to buy me a cup of coffee. I stopped to buy gas one morning and mentioned I was only going to get $10 worth because it was all the cash I had. He didn't even blink! My daughter says I should charge him a weekly amount or quit taking him. What do you think? -- FROSTED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR FROSTED: Shame on him. Feel free to tell your co-worker that providing transportation on a regular basis (three times a week?!) is not a free service, and in the future you expect compensation for your efforts. Frankly, he should have offered when it turned out he needed transportation so often. If he gives you an argument, quit allowing him to use you because that is exactly what he is doing.
DEAR READERS: This is my annual reminder to all of you who live where daylight saving time is observed: Don't forget to turn your clocks FORWARD one hour tonight at bedtime. Daylight saving time begins at 2 a.m. tomorrow. It's a ritual I love because it signals the coming of spring, and with it longer, brighter days and warmer weather. -- ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
