Dear Abby: Couple clashes over time spent with sons

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married five years and are raising four children. One is from my previous relationship, one is from her previous relationship and two are ours. We both have joint custody. My son goes to school near his mom. My wife's son goes to school where we live. They are 9 and 8.

There's a lot of tension between us because my stepson's father isn't the greatest parent. He never comes to school events or sporting events, so he misses half of everything. I regularly attend my son's events, which are a couple of hours away and take time away from my stepson. I put my 9-year-old first because he's my firstborn, and I have him less. My wife disagrees with this, and we fight about it constantly. I believe I am doing the right thing. Advice, please. -- WONDERING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WONDERING: I'm sorry your wife's son's father hasn't stepped up to the plate. But please do not allow your wife to interfere with your relationship with your son. You ARE doing the right thing by showing an interest in what he's doing and supporting him emotionally.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married nine years. My husband doesn't allow me to leave the house without him. He makes sure I don't have a car or access to the one we have. He tells me he doesn't mean anything by it, but if I try to take a walk alone, he is right on my heels.

If I go anywhere with my sister or a friend, I must wait until he is gone. If he gets home before I do, he's sitting on the porch waiting for me. He is not physically abusive, but I feel like a prisoner. I have told him several times how it makes me feel, but he doesn't seem to get it. I really need some advice. -- TRAPPED IN GEORGIA

DEAR TRAPPED: Your husband doesn't get it because he doesn't WANT to. What he is doing is NOT a demonstration of love or concern for your safety. It's an example of his own insecurity and need to control you. This is a big red flag, and my advice is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and discuss this with someone there because what's happening could escalate into abuse. The toll-free phone number is: (800) 799-7233.

DEAR ABBY: I love my grown children and grandchildren, but I hate it when they come "home" for a week or more. My house gets turned upside down and inside out, and I end up losing my temper. Then I feel like an awful mother. I suggested we all meet somewhere else, but it didn't go over well. Help! -- INVADED IN NORTH DAKOTA

DEAR INVADED: Your suggestion may not have gone over well with your children and grandchildren, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't "suggest" it again. And when you do, make sure they understand you are saying it because when they visit they leave your home in disarray, which creates more work for you than you are comfortable doing. Unless they are willing to make sure your home is as neat when they leave as when they arrived, enough is enough.

Family is perplexed by troublemaking sister

DEAR ABBY: My sister is a pathological liar who causes rifts between family members. She tries to turn us against each other. We must constantly check with each other to find out if what she has said about each of us is true. We can't understand why she's this way. None of the rest of us is. When I have asked her, "Why are you lying about me, us, etc.?" she tells me, "I did not lie." I think she believes her lies.

We have all encouraged her to seek therapy, but she denies that she has a problem. We are at a loss at how to help her. We want a good relationship with her, but we don't know how at this point. Should we distance ourselves from her? -- SIB TROUBLE IN ALABAMA

DEAR SIB TROUBLE: You have two ways to go in dealing with your sister. Either accept that she's disturbed and give little credence to ANYTHING she says that's of a divisive nature, or do as you are inclined and distance yourselves.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and my mother makes me go to church every Sunday. I don't like going. I believe in God, but I feel awkward when people ask me about it. My mother makes everything bad until she gets her way. I have tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't listen to me. I don't know what to do. -- DILEMMA IN TEXAS

DEAR DILEMMA: Your mother isn't listening to you because she is convinced that she is doing the right thing FOR you. Not knowing how fervent she is about her church and her religion, it's hard to predict how she would react if you tried to turn this into less of a power struggle and more of an adult conversation.

As it stands, you are a minor, and as long as you live under her roof, she makes the rules. When you are 18 and can live on your own, the decision of whether you want to continue going to church every Sunday will be yours. This may seem hard, but if your mother is unwilling to talk this through with you, you will have to be patient.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my dear mother-in-law two years ago. She was a wonderful person, and I miss her. However, since her death, my in-laws have gone into overdrive ordering and gifting the family with items imprinted with her picture or with "in memory of" on them. There are plaques on chairs, memory gardens, pictures everywhere, T-shirts with her likeness, bumper stickers and items of jewelry. At what point do you conclude that this is unhealthy and enough is enough? Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a shrine dedicated to her. -- SENSITIVE SITUATION

DEAR SENSITIVE: Your in-laws are grieving. I'm not sure it would be helpful to tell them that what they are doing is inappropriate. It would be kinder to quietly dispose of the unwanted items as you would any other gift you can't use.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.