by Graham Pierrepoint
It’s that time of year again – and before we take a look at our favourite movies reviewed across the year (as we feel a certain space battle just might make the cut) – let’s take a quick gander at the absolute worst we’ve seen and reviewed in 2017 – ranked from 10 down to 1. We’ve included our original review score as well – though we may have taken the liberty of re-ranking them based on further analysis!
10. DADDY’S HOME 2 (1.5 OUT OF 5)
This unnecessary sequel to a movie that hardly broke any critical ground really wasn’t worth anyone’s interst – though it’s thought to have become something of a box office success.
9. BAYWATCH (1.5 OUT OF 5)
This upgrade to the 90s TV beach staple fell on its face into the sand – despite a relatively capable cast and a couple of laughs, this simply isn’t worth the price of the DVD release.
8. THE NUT JOB 2: NUTTY BY NATURE (1.5 OUT OF 5)
While perhaps not the most horrendous movie we’ve seen all year, this poor attempt at appealing to families was rather outdone by something all the more crass – more on that a little further down. Regardless, flimsy squirrel comedy has never really been on our radar.
7. CHiPS (1 OUT OF 5)
In a year for throwaway juvenile comedy that will hardly scrape itself out of the Netflix barrel-bottom in years to come (perhaps even months in this case), CHiPS makes for a strong contender as one of the most pointless exercises in movie making of the past ten years. A pathetic attempt at raising laughs to the extent that we can barely remember what actually happened.
6. FIST FIGHT (1 OUT OF 5)
See above, only with a cast that deserved much better.
5. TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (1 OUT OF 5)
You’re due another 5 or 6 of these movies – without Michael Bay as director – which may as well be a mercy at this point. Utterly pointless and by-the-numbers, it appeals to that odd demographic that still seems to like watching these movies.
4. FIFTY SHADES DARKER (1 OUT OF 5)
Only marginally better than our least-favourite movie of 2015, Fifty Shades of Grey, on the grounds that it’s not completely cretinous and it tries to tell a story – but in comparison with just about every other movie we’ve seen this year, it’s deathly, deathly dull.
3. A DOG’S PURPOSE (1.5 OUT OF 5)
Saccharine, insulting and genuinely difficult to watch, A Dog’s Purpose succeeds in being actively appalling beyond the accusations of alleged cruelty that sunk its promotional campaign. For some, the story might appeal – but we perhaps didn’t put across quite how much we disliked this one on release.
2. FLATLINERS (0.5 OUT OF 5)
Is it a sequel? A remake? A reboot? Who cares? It’s insanely dull – and inanely put together at that.
1. THE EMOJI MOVIE (0.5 OUT OF 5)
Because of course – what else could it have been? A genuinely baffling marketing ploy levelled at the youngest demographic with a sledgehammer approach – derided as perhaps the worst animated movie of all time upon release, it might have the sheen and a certain flair to put it above last year’s loser – Top Cat Begins – but it remains the absolute nadir of cinema these past twelve months. That’s in a year with a Fifty Shades sequel, another Transformers movie AND A Dog’s Purpose. One which will be rattled out for years at ‘bad movie night’, keep a tally of every time you wince – and be prepared to count.
Stay tuned for our best picks at the cinema for 2017 soon! In the meantime, check out Graham's movie reviews here.