Dear Abby: Smoking neighbors cloud sweet dreams
DEAR ABBY: My family and I bought a house in a nice, quiet, safe neighborhood three years ago. What we didn't know prior to moving in was that our next-door neighbor sometimes smokes cigarettes.
It rains eight months out of the year here, and we usually keep our windows closed, so it isn't an issue. But during the summer, we like to sleep with the windows open. When our neighbor steps outside for a cigarette, the smoke drifts into our bedroom.
Our homes are separated by small yards, so at first, I thought they didn't realize that the smoke was bothering us. Eventually I began to get upset. When I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I can smell it. I have made a point of loudly slamming the windows shut, hoping it would make them stop. There is no way they don't hear the noise, but it doesn't stop them.
We don't want to have to keep our windows closed, because it is not an everyday occurrence. It happens once a week or so, and always late at night or early in the morning. I don't know if this is how they handle insomnia or what the deal is. Why do they still smoke in this day and age?
There's no landlord to complain to because they own their home. After all these years, we have never introduced ourselves to each other, and I don't believe they care to know us any more than we care to get to know them. Because of this, confronting them is not an option. What do we do? -- HATES THE SMOKE IN OREGON
DEAR HATES: Your letter illustrates the disadvantages of isolationism. Had you made a point of introducing yourself when you (or they) moved in, you probably wouldn't have needed to write to me now.
Slamming your window shut is not a friendly or efficient way to communicate because these people are not mind readers. Going next door, introducing yourself, politely explaining that there's a problem and asking if they could smoke on the other side of their house, away from your bedroom window, would be better. If you can't bring yourself to do that, write a letter -- keeping the communication civil -- and tell them in simple language that you would appreciate their cooperation in solving this problem.
DEAR ABBY: I've been with the same man for 22 years, married for 16. We live in a small town. During the last four or five years, everything has become about politics for my husband. I have absolutely no interest in hearing about what happens politically in big cities -- or anywhere, for that matter. How can I get him to stop going on and on about what he reads or hears? So far, I haven't been successful, and we end up arguing. Must I take an interest in it for his sake? Do you see any room for a compromise? -- DON'T SHOW ME IN MISSOURI
DEAR DON'T: To some degree, you have to allow your husband to vent. Because we are in an important election year, there is no escaping the subject. If you listen, you may learn something you didn't know that could be relevant to you. Limit the amount of time you spend listening, but I don't recommend cutting him off. I'm willing to bet that you sometimes bring up subjects that may be less than fascinating for him, too. Tolerance and a willingness to compromise are two of the ingredients in a healthy marriage.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together since we were 21, and he has always had a distant relationship with his parents. I encouraged him during the first few years of our marriage to call them and visit. I stopped doing that after his mom and I had some choice words.
If he wants a relationship with them, that is up to him. The problem is, when she tries to call and text with typically no response from him, she reaches out to me. We have two daughters, so I don't mind sharing with her how they are doing. What I object to is her occasionally asking me to pass on messages to my husband. I'm a working mom of two, and I don't have time to be anyone else's secretary. The icing on the cake came when she informed me that the family dog they'd had for 15 years passed away and asked me to tell him. I told her what time he could be reached, but instead of taking my suggestion, she asked me again. I ended up telling him.
It wasn't my responsibility to do that, and I'm irritated with myself that I can't be frank about how she and his dad need to contact their son. Any suggestions would be helpful. -- FINDING A BACKBONE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FINDING: It may take courage, but the next time your mother-in-law tries to make you her messenger, tell her that what she's asking makes you uncomfortable and that she needs to convey the information herself -- by either texting her son or emailing. If, after that, she says she can't get through to him, point out that you no longer want to be in the middle. Period. And let your husband know what you've done.
Will this endear you to her? Definitely not. But the individuals who need to heal the relationship between your husband's parents and their son are the three of them, not you.
DEAR ABBY: My parents met when they were 14. They married at 18, raised four boys and had an incredible marriage. When Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, they carried on as best they could with Dad providing her care.
Sadly, Dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, so they moved in with me, and I quit working to care for them. Dad died three months later. Obviously, Mom was devastated in addition to being confused about why Dad was no longer there.
Mom and I often took walks through my neighborhood, and at one house in particular she would comment on the pretty flowers in the yard and how she and Dad enjoyed planting flowers every year.
No matter how agitated or upset she was, seeing that neighbor's yard would cheer her up and bring back fond memories for her. Mom died a few years later.
I wrote a note to the person who lived at the property -- whom I never had met -- telling her how much joy her flowers had brought to Mom and thanking her for making my mother's final days brighter. Abby, I am writing now to share that even in the darkest times, a little beauty can make a world of difference. -- GRATEFUL SON IN ARIZONA
DEAR GRATEFUL SON: What you have written is true. Music can have the same effect on patients with Alzheimer's disease. My mother had Alzheimer's for many years, and my brother and I provided her with music from her era -- Pearl Bailey, the Andrews Sisters, etc. -- to help her pass the time. Toward the end, singing a song from her youth to her brought her back to me for a precious moment, and it, too, made a world of difference.
Thank you for your letter and for taking me on my own trip down memory lane.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.