Dear Abby: New mother struggling with child care
DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter is married to a very selfish man. They have a newborn baby, and he refuses to help her with the baby. He claims that because he works, he isn't obligated.
She cares for the baby 24/7 and does all the housework, cooking, etc. If she asks him to feed the baby in the morning, he says, "I'M hungry, so I have to have my breakfast first," and he lets the baby cry. He also refuses to change a diaper.
What can she say or do that might encourage him to change his ways? It is unfair to her to work 24/7 like this, and she is EXHAUSTED. -- STEPGRANDMA IN ISRAEL
DEAR STEPGRANDMA: I agree the treatment your daughter is receiving is unfair. That her husband would eat while his infant is crying for food is beyond insensitive; it's neglectful and cruel. She should not expect this man to change his attitude. This is who he is, and he not only won't change, his self-centeredness will become worse with time.
If you can take in your grandchild -- and your stepdaughter -- and give her a chance to get some rest, please consider it. And while she is with you, point out that this will be her future as long as she remains with her husband.
DEAR ABBY: I have the most wonderful, caring, loving husband any wife could dream of, and together we have a very sweet dog who adores us both but my husband a bit too much, if I may put it that way. When my husband is relaxing on the couch, "Peanut" likes to, umm, "love on" his leg.
I know this is something dogs do, and I have read that it's a way to establish the alpha, but my husband doesn't dissuade her from this "loving" behavior. I find it disturbing, not so much because Peanut does it, but because my husband doesn't mind or even likes it. Is this normal? -- OTHER ALPHA IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR OTHER ALPHA: According to the ASPCA website, what Peanut is doing is normal behavior for animals of both sexes, including those that have been spayed or neutered. Your husband's acceptance of it, in my opinion, is less so.
DEAR ABBY: I know a man who is a wonderful person, but he has a habit that is very disturbing. He gets angry when I laugh. He says I shouldn't be laughing because he thinks what I'm laughing at isn't funny.
I used to start a phrase with, "The funny thing is," meaning strange or odd, and he would cut me off saying, "I don't see why you think that's funny." I have since changed the phrase to "The odd thing is" to keep the peace. How can I handle this without creating a scene or argument? It is annoying when we are alone and embarrassing when we are in public. -- UNFUNNY IN TEXAS
DEAR UNFUNNY: I am sure it's embarrassing. "Wonderful" people do not correct others in public. They wait and do it privately. This person may have redeeming qualities, but tact and a sense of humor are not two of them. If telling him you don't like what he's doing and that it's inappropriate will cause a scene or an argument, my advice is to reevaluate the relationship.
Sister continues to distance herself after moving away
DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Olive," moved to the West Coast three years ago. My parents, my two older siblings and I live on the East Coast. During this past year, Olive has grown more and more distant from us. She always has an excuse when we try to set up a group Facetime or even a phone call. This has happened dozens of times now.
Most recently, our extended family set up a Zoom call with about 30 of us. Everyone was able to make at least a portion of it, including all my cousins and aunts and uncles. Olive, however, said she will "be there next time" because she needed to do some mulching around her house and wanted to start limiting her screen time.
My parents, siblings and I have each talked with her directly about how blowing us off is hurtful and painful, yet she continues to do it. At this point, everyone is fed up, especially Mom, who got hung up on twice while trying to address these problems with Olive. What else can we do? We cannot seem to get through. -- FED-UP BROTHER
DEAR BROTHER: Do you know why your sister moved to the West Coast? Was it job-related, or could it have been that she needed space and didn't feel she could have it if she lived geographically closer? Because her withdrawal has become increasingly overt over the past year, it's important that someone understand what is driving it.
A relative other than your mother (who got hung up on twice) who is close to Olive should give her a call and, in as gentle a manner as possible, explain the family is worried about her and ask if anything is wrong that any of you can help with. She may be having a difficult time emotionally, or she may simply be craving some space. But you won't know until someone can get a straight answer.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister is morbidly obese, and we are very concerned about her health. We know her weight is a delicate topic, but if she were drowning in a lake instead of in fat, we would try to throw her the same kind of lifeline.
We feel compelled to express our concern about her health. We know that how this is approached can make a big difference. We both feel she would benefit by seeing a counselor to confront life issues that may have caused her overeating. Can you please suggest a way to phrase it? We love her and want her to live a long and healthy life. -- SCARED FOR SISTER-IN-LAW
DEAR SCARED: Your sister-in-law is well aware that she is dangerously heavy, so this is a subject you can address only once without causing a rift in the family. The message might be accepted better if it came from her brother, and it should be phrased something like this:
"I hope you know how much I love you. My wife and I are deeply concerned about your weight because we're afraid we might lose you. If there are issues that have caused this, would you consider talking to a counselor about them? If your doctor can't refer you to someone qualified, we can ask ours for some names. And if what I have said is hurtful, I sincerely apologize and hope you will forgive me. I won't bring up the subject again."
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.