How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Tom Segura Edition

The stand-up comedian and writer Tom Segura tries his hand at our Cartoon Caption Contest.

- Hi, I'm Tom Segura coming to youfrom my podcast studio in Los Angeles.And this is the New Yorker'scartoon caption contest.All right, here we go, first up.All right we see here a woman is standingin the doorway of whatappears to be the living room.And her hands are on her waist.She's frustrated; she'sfed up with her husbandwho has morphed into a couch.It's clearly late, she's in her robe.And the vibe is, are youcoming to bed, today?I got it, I think thisis a pretty good one.It says, Tiger King?More like Sofa King.[drum roll]This is an automatically funny drawing.You see a man, is looking at another man'sextremely bloated belly.The man with the bloated bellyis holding his bloatedbelly, while the other man,cross armed, kinda likeslightly incredulousat what he's seeing.You know some of thesethings, you look at them,and it's just automatic, right?Sometimes you have to search for it.They guy with the bloatedbelly clearly appears pregnant.I mean it's really enormous.And so I wrote, it's2020 men can have it all,jobs, friends, and babies.This is again,[laughing]So here's two men at a diner.One is in a hazmat suit, holding a drink.And the guy next to himis drinking a martini,but not, he's wearing just a regular suit,no protective, no personalprotective equipment,a term that I recently learnedduring the corona outbreak.But they're at the barand they're having drinks.So that to me suggests thatthey're looking to have a good time.Here's what I got.I got him saying, buy meanother and I'll show it to you.All right, that's New Yorker friendly.The it, is somewhat vague.You don't know what he's gonna show.Wow, they're really stickingwith the hazmat suits, huh?Here is a woman cooking ina type of protective suit.There's an oxygen tank of some sort.She's cooking; her husband,or it would appear her husbandstanding behind herholding a glass of wine,not in any type of protective gear at all.Man, this is the new rage of it all, huh?Just hazmat stuff, corona comedy.I think I'm close to nailinga New Yorker level intelligent joke.I'd have to re-phrase this,but I think the idea is there.What I put was, you said role playand this is what nurses wear now.Definitely some Ivy League-erschuckling at that one.You get it?Cause like normally anurse role play outfitis like a sexy like lingerie style thing.But in these times, you get it.All right, what do we have here.What is going on?This is a sheriff, old schoolWestern sheriff, cowboy type.He's in the Sheriff's office there.You can see he has his gunsand his cattle skull on the wall.And he's being surroundedby animals, oh and a baby.A baby, a raccoon, asquirrel, and a porcupineare coming towards him.And his eye line appears tobe looking towards the baby.Almost like he's ignoringthat there's a raccoonand a squirrel and apossum also coming at him.But baby is crawling towards him.It is a funny depiction,and I have no idea whatthis is about, none.Like I feel like I almostmissed a news cycleand that this would makesense if I had caught it.I'm trying to go along the lines of,like he was followinginstructions from the wife.So I have him saying to himself,like he's confused, so Ihave the caption saying,she said feed the one that can't talk.Cause he looks like he doesn'tknow which one, you know?A woman is sitting on the couch.And it appears that her husbandhas just walked in the door.He's holding a brief case.He's not wearing any otherclothes, just shoes and socks.And she's looking over her shoulder,with kind of a blank look on her face.I think there's multiple waysyou could go with this one.I feel like you can go with the,this is the wrong apartment,or he's home and hasmisunderstood directions.I feel like they're both viable,like situations thatcould be happening here.Okay, I got one.The caption says, they saythe virus lives on clothes,so I called an audible.A centaur, who you knowhas the rear, the hinds,of a horse, the hindquarters,and then a human's torso,is looking at a horsehead with human legs.It's really funny imageryactually; it's really funny.And he looks really upset,which is really funny to me,the human does, and the horse doesn't,the horse face doesn't.I put, no we both look stupid.Last one, it's two business men,looks like they're either enteringor exiting a lobby areaof an office building.They both have briefcases and one hasa blow up doll under his arm.And the one who doesn'tis looking at it like,what the, what?That's what stands out to me.I think that's what's funny about this.It feels like he took an assignmentor an instruction the wrong way.I feel like I could havegotten the wording better,but the sentiment is right.My therapist said to fill my work deskwith my favorite things from home.I think I would not get hiredby the New Yorker as a caption writer.I think the people thatdo that are better at it.I would sit in on it, though.I would like to sit in onit and see how they do it.It seems fun; it's a good time.And sometimes theyreally nail it, you know?Which is like really fun to watch.But I had good time;I hope you enjoyed it.I'm Tom Segura and I had a lot of fundoing the New Yorker'scartoon caption contest.